THIS BLOG HAS MOVED!

Click to my newer, bigger, better blog over here!

If you were referred, please go back and slap the referer up side the head for not having the new address blogrolled as ifthesewallscouldtalk.co.za

Thanks for your support :)

My car doesn't run on love alone, how rude!

I'm a little tosspot
short and stout
here are my handles
here is my sprout

on the way to work
only this morning
i ran out of gas
and sat on my ass

i must remember
that my car doesn't run on love and air alone


Ok, so the last part didn't rhyme, but oh well - you get the idea.

Minging donkeys and the loike, innit?

Peas favourite Christmas story had me in stitches. Oh my holy moly.

There's this bird called Mary, yeah?
She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that.

Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked.
She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah?' I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed.
Fink of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.
But there ain't no room at the inn, innit?
So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only its filled wiv animals.
Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End .
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'
Joe goes 'You must be monged it you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.


Also, just to add to your list of things to click daily, a friend of mine has started a new site, which provides you an opportunity to vote on topics, have your say and add your two cent pieces. Go have a read and support ESVL here.

My take on what it takes to be an agony aunt

Dear SheBee,

In one month I will be a married man. I love my fiancé very much, but her mom is prettier and proposed that she test drive me before the wedding. Needless to say I was floored. What should I do?

MILF lover.

Dear MILF lover,

You are an asshole. Why even bother asking this question, you little rug muncher? Do you love your fiancé? I mean really, do you LOVE her? The fact that you have even considered this in writing to me, tells me you don’t.

Tell your fiancé what a whoring slut her mommy is, and then break off the engagement because, lets face facts, you’re going to break this woman’s heart at some point if you haven’t already.

Also, don’t be silly billy – put a condom on your willy. Aids is rife. Even though I think you should catch it just because you pissed me off.

Love SheBee.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear SheBee,

I have a friend who visits me twice a year. I don’t usually hear from her in between these visits. The problem is she is grossly obese and breaks things. The last time she was here she broke the double bed in my spare room. I don’t want to offend her, as she’s very sensitive about her weight, but what can I do?

Scared of big friend.

Dear Scared of big friend,

Firstly, when she arrives, lock her in the basement for two weeks and only feed her water and salad. She’ll probably go mentally insane but she’ll love you for helping her lose the weight, so all is fair in love and war I suppose.

Besides, what kind of a friend is she, who only visits you twice a year? Bloody hell. She deserves an ass-kicking for that alone. Goodluck :)

Love SheBee

~~~~~~~~~
Dear SheBee,

I am falling in love with a married man who has three children. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help myself.

Adultress

Dear Adultress,

Listen up, you little skanky home wrecker. Who the hell do you think you are, putting three children’s lives at risk of having an unhappy life? Here’s what you do:

Cut off your infidels ball sack with a rusty teaspoon and feed it to him blind folded, then go throw yourself of the nearest and highest bridge.

Love SheBee

Dear Landlord lady,

This letter serves to request that I may stay in your house one more week than I originally planned for when I gave notice earlier this month.

You see, the thing is, I’m sort of trying to avoid moving back to my parents for the week prior to going to Cape Town. I am more than pleased to pay pro rata if you are amicable.

If I do have to go back to Moms place, I will be forced to do all sorts of things such as the following:

• Change baby nappies. This is alright in small doses, I just don’t know if I would be able to cope full time, especially when it’s just not my own spawn.
• Listen to thumping coming from the second story, since I will be downstairs in my old flat. Those little ankle biters are noisy fuckers, especially at six thirty in the morning.
• I will be forced to play battle ships with younger brother Wok at least once a day, just after he would have kicked my ass at three different play station 2 games.
• Step father Kev will have bribed me at least twice in that week to distract my mother so that he may go out on the town with his boys.
• Transformation into Taxi driver will commence from the zero hour for at least three of my siblings.

I would like to promote my request with the following motivation list:

• I have been a very good tenant.
• Your rent has been paid early every month
• I have improved the house greatly by (aside from my own residence and presence daily) painting the interior, fixing odd things etc.
• I have not once, let me repeat that: NOT. ONCE. Christened your home by having sexual relations with another human. This might be a pro for you, its not so much one for me though. But that is beside the point.
• Your silly drive way broke my foot earlier this year. I didn’t claim compensation, and sat in a cast for six weeks without any complaint to you.
• I’m calling in a favour here.

Yours in residence renting,

Sheena.

In a perfect world

In a perfect world:

• Jacob Zuma and all the rest of his uneducated and ignorant supporters would be cured of AIDS by having a shower
• Manto would be able to drink alcohol to her hearts content without it affecting her brand spanking new liver and then heal any ailments by eating beetroot.
• Nelson Mandela would live to be 100years old
• 3rd degree would actually make sense sometimes and not just be a TV show with a presenter full of attitude
• Tokyo Sexwale would be voted in as president and not jump on JZ’s band wagon like he has done
• Neledi Pandor would have more of an effect on the department of education and 2008 matriculates would have a higher standard of pass rate

These things are highly likely to not ever happen. So what do we do instead? Some of us ignore the issues going on around us (like I do), some of us write political articles (such as this one) in the hopes of creating some awareness, some of us kick up a fuss and down our country at every opportunity, and a lot of us plan to make a difference, tomorrow. For most of us, tomorrow never comes.

What is the solution?

Immigration for those of us who can’t handle “third worlding” any longer. That way, you will solve your problems, and eliminate a small amount of negativity from our country.

If immigration is not for you, support our government as far as possible, without compromising our morals. Don’t become another negative statistic that aids all the corruption, dishonestly and crime factors.

Vote in the election. Have your say. Your opinion does count. Imagine if 20 000 other people also stayed at home that day and thought the same insecure thought ‘it won’t make a difference if I vote or not”.

We are South Africans. Yes, there is too much crime. Yes, rape is inhumane and unjust. Yes, there is corruption more deep rooted than even we know about. There are far too many cons of being in this country.

But. There are a lot of pros too, that sometimes we overlook or dismiss as unimportant.

This is South Africa. In less than 13 years, look how far we have come. We have won two world cups, we’re hosting another in two years, black people are now licensed to be human and do what whiteys have long taken advantage of, such as going to watch a movie at ten o’clock at night, or shopping in the same malls, or drinking from a tap in a public bathroom. This is an enormous change!

When I go abroad to travel, I’m looking forward to defending my country and setting the record straight. “Not only do we not have lions as pets, we also have malls with electricity, we have streets of tar, we have multi racial schools, sports events that involve every single South African citizen, we have local productions on TV that are worthy of International broadcasting, such as Isidingo, or the Oscar winning movie, Tsotsi, which was remarkable to watch”.

I am proud to call myself South African. You should be too.

And the scale tips from Agnostic to Athiesm, I suspect

PARENTAL ADVISORY SNIPPET: Some of you might find this offensive. If so, please skip over to the next blog and stay tuned for my next post which is sure to be not so controversial.

Religion has been screaming out to me lately. It freaks me out every day. The first thing I read today was an article on Jehovah's Witnesses. I've been discussing religion often enough too, and last Sunday one of my mates and I got into a stand up argument because I refused to go to church. I just don't feel like being in a place that makes me feel inadequate and uncomfortable, so why go?

I have someone in my life who always preaches to me. This has to be one of the top rankings on my shit-conversation shit-o-meter. If you are religious, fantastic for you. I am, at this stage of my life, not religious so don't bible bash me over the head with your beliefs, dammit!

I was told to think of global warming, the freaks causes of nature and all the bad things happening in the world today, as a warning and possible result of Armageddon. He is convinced that within a limited few weeks, it will be judgement day.

I usually smile politely and ask him to give me comments on random other things in an attempt to change the subject without offending him, but then he goes and pisses me off by telling me that I am a hypocrite, how can I "believe there is an afterlife for my daughter" when I do not feel humble enough to pray to the "One True Saviour".

Armageddon? Here's your bloody Armageddon you twat: